Day 4

I had an uneventful weekend.  Looked for work on Friday, worked on my art on Saturday and Sunday – and now here we are at Monday again.  The evenings have been cool which makes me start to fret a little about winter and heating.  I simply want a job.  I was channel surfing and came across some great advice which I will start implementing today – “repeat 4 positive things, not repeating one, for 21 days” – I think this will help me to not get depressed.  I found myself struggling on Sunday and had all I could do to muster the strength to get out of bed.  I pray daily, begging God for a solution.  Although he has been faithful and I do not doubt him, I have to keep reminding myself that it is His timing and not mine.  Sometimes I wonder if maybe he is too busy with all the other requests.  And then I sometimes hear my mother’s voice – “there are starving children in Africa” – which reminds me of how insignificant my problems are – but nonetheless important to me.

Our State fair is opening this weekend and I have never missed it – I have attended the State fair since I was 1 – but this year might be different.  I had to put some gas in my van and now I am down to $39 in my account and $0 in my savings.  I did spend some of the weekend looking for things I might be able to sell, but I do not have anything to begin with.  I do not have a flat screen or a large TV – my TV is 10+ years old – my VCR is broken, I do not play video games – I have lived relatively humbly most of my life – and most of what I have although in good condition would only be worthy of Goodwill donations.

I put together some chili this weekend, and it was pretty good, could have stood some cumin and a little chili powder – but it was still tasty and I added some wild rice to it, which always makes everything better.

I have decided I am going to put together a “direction” list and try to pinpoint job ideas and to think of other employment ideas.  I have considered going out to North Dakota to work and that is not off the table as of yet.  North Dakota is horrible in the winter, but on the other hand does not look so bad considering the alternative.  I know someone out there and they make pretty good money.  I worry a little about my mom who has RA and my grandmother who is 90 with borderline dementia and macular degeneration, and it helps for me to be close by, but perhaps that is something I tell myself as an excuse.  I need to do a pros and cons list for the North Dakota idea.  I need a solution.


Day #1

Hello to all of you who have decided to follow my blog.  This is a true story.  Some of the contents may be difficult to read, but all of it will be my true and heart felt experiences.

I lost my job in February.  Since that time I have looked daily for employment.  I graduated in May of this year and had hoped to continue with my studio work, but that did not pan out either.  I am a single parent on the younger side of middle aged.  I officially run out of unemployment next week.  I am a little nervous about it, but still have a bit of optimism in hopes that I will sell some of my work and still be able to pay the bills – or better yet find a job.  Yesterday, I was a little surprised as I felt a bit of hopeless despair creeping in and for the first time felt an array of body aches and rushes of overwhelming sadness.  Normally, if something like that were to take place I would blame it on pre-menopause, but this was different.  It scared me a little so I got out of bed, took a long hot shower, and made some lunch.  I have always been a hard worker and over-achiever – I have not been without a job since the age of 12.  I have opted not to go on food stamps or on medicaid as I refuse to be caught up in the entitlements.  I come from a generation where there is a small bit of shame to accepting entitlements if you are able-bodied and one which I still agree with.  If I cannot find a job or sell some of my work I may have to reconsider.  But at this point I still have a little hope.  I do have some food in my freezer and a few dried and can goods in my cupboards and I am a creative cook.  Yesterday I made lunch which consisted of a can of tomatoes, some dried herbs, onions, garlic, 1/4 lb of hamburger and a few pieces of peperoni.  I did have some pasta left so it worked great.  For dinner I made boiled potatoes and a dish my mother use to make with making a roux, adding milk and seasoning, add one can of tuna and some frozen peas – pour it over the potatoes.  I also had enough ingredients to make cookies.  I did not have any coco so I melted the few chocolate chips I had left, added it to the batter and mixed it up.  It worked out great.  About 8 months ago I bought a 5-lb bag of coffee beans in case of an emergency and found myself having to open it.  I have $59 dollars left in my account and no savings.  I have about a half a tank of gas.  I try not to drive without purpose as I have a 1998 van and gas here is pennies from $4 – at 20 miles to the gallon it takes a lot.  I live in a small country town under 1000 and the nearest town is 20 miles and a little larger town about 50 miles and an actual city is over an hour.  I have paid the important bills this month, with a few stragglers left, so I will write as much as I can while the lights and phone are on.  In a small way, I am also hoping this blog will keep me somewhat sane and less depressed. …..


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